From “Have To” to “Get To”: Shifting the Mindset Around Sex in Christian Marriage
Let’s talk about sex, shame, and sacred connection. This post unpacks lies about sex in marriage and reveals God's design for intimacy—with wisdom, humor, and hope for Christian women.
6 // Lies Christian Wives Believe About S*x + God’s Design for Intimacy [ft. Alisha Michaelson]
Sex was never meant to be a chore on your to-do list. It's a gift from God—designed for connection, healing, and delight between husband and wife. But to experience the richness of that gift, we've got to shed the lies we’ve believed for far too long.
Let’s Be Honest: You’ve Been Lied To
Somewhere along the way, many of us were told that sex in marriage is about duty—something we owe our husbands, a checkbox on the wifely task list. Whether it was the well-meaning woman in premarital counseling or cultural messages wrapped in shame and silence, the lie landed hard: the answer is always yes, and that’s all you need to know.
But here's the truth: God never designed sex to be duty-bound. He created it for delight, for unity, for healing, and for oneness. And we’re not about to keep quiet about that.
Real Talk with Alisha: Breaking the Shame Cycle
In this heart-to-heart episode of Rip It Off, Michelle Castro invites her real-life friend Alisha Michaelson to rip off the cultural and religious lies that have wrapped sex in shame and silence.
What makes this convo different? It’s honest. It’s hilarious. And it’s dripping in truth and grace.
Here’s the truth bomb Alisha drops early on:
“I spent 10-15 years of my marriage thinking the answer was just always yes—without ever knowing why. But sex isn't a checklist. It's a gift.”
3 Lies We Need to Rip Off Right Now
Lie #1: Sex Should Look Like the Movies
Rom-coms gave us the fantasy of steamy showers and spontaneous passion 24/7. Real life? You're 5'1", the water's in your face, and you're drowning—not turned on.
Lie #2: Men Always Want Sex & Women Just Have to Keep Up
This one’s toxic. Not only is it inaccurate, it trains women to view sex as an obligation and trains men to expect performance, not connection. God designed mutual desire and intimacy that grows with understanding, not assumption.
Lie #3: You Can Fix Everything With More Sex
Can sex heal wounds? Yes. But not without addressing deeper heart issues. If you're dealing with trauma, infidelity, or lack of trust—get help. Sex isn’t a bandaid. It’s a bond—but only when built on safety and connection.
Reframing Intimacy: From “Have To” to “Get To”
God didn’t just create sex for procreation—He made it for connection. And when we start shifting from I have to to I get to, intimacy becomes a joy, not a job.
💬 “The more you connect, the more you crave. Just like time with the Lord. It’s not about duty—it’s about delight.” — Alisha
Here’s the mindset shift:
From “This is my wifely obligation” → To “This is a gift we get to enjoy together”
From “He needs it” → To “We need this connection”
From “This is awkward” → To “This is sacred”
Tangible Takeaways
💡 Study your spouse. Keep being a student. What lit them up at 25 may have changed by 40—and that’s beautiful.
🧠 Change the narrative. Start asking: “What does this produce in our marriage?” instead of “What do I have to do?”
🛑 Don’t weaponize sex. It’s not for manipulation, control, or avoidance. It’s for communion.
🙏 Pray about it. Invite God into your sex life. He’s not weirded out—He designed it.
Sister, Here’s Your Permission Slip
If you’ve been stuck in shame, resentment, confusion—or just sheer exhaustion—this is your permission slip to stop performing and start pursuing deeper connection. Not just physical. Emotional. Spiritual. Real.
You get to enjoy sex. You get to pursue intimacy. You get to be fully known—and deeply loved.
And guess what? You’re not broken. You’re not alone. And you don’t have to figure it out by yourself.
💬 Ready to go deeper?
Download your free resource: “13 Types of Intimacy Every Christian Couple Needs”
Let’s stop settling for half-hearted connection and pursue the fullness of oneness God designed for us.
Discover the deeper layers of connection God designed for your marriage.
This free guide unpacks the 13 types of intimacy every couple needs—emotional, spiritual, physical, and beyond. With practical examples and simple action steps, you’ll learn how to build closeness in every area of your relationship.
